(no subject)

[xaara]

I quit Youth Orchestra today.

That program has been a part of my life since I first walked through the front doors over ten years ago. My conductor lives down the street; my teacher goes to UMD a few minutes away from here; my first truly joyful memory is set within the grungy walls of Coolidge Senior High School, the Orchestra's weekend haunts.

However, following a formal complaint I lodged against my percussion section for their seeming inability to assist with the proper storage of our instruments and an incident between Mom and one of the percussionists as he was trying to sneak out without helping, the Executive Director, Ms. Shulte, called a meeting. "This is a friendly meeting," she began, which always means that it's going to get ugly fast. And it did.

She had brought the whole percussion section (me and two guys) and our teacher into her office. At ten-o'clock at night. After a rehearsal that was supposed to last from 6:30 to 8:30 and ended up dragging on until 9:30. "I want you to know that this is an open forum," she said. "This is a safe place--feel free to air your grievances." She looked at me.

I have never hated anyone as I hated her in that moment.

I shrugged, feigned ignorance--I am a teenager, after all--and declined her blatant invitation to make myself into the total bitch of the situation by groveling to the adult in the situation and ratting on my fellow percussionists. The guys and I might not always see eye-to-eye, but we sure as hell don't sacrifice each other to outsiders who throw us into a ring with the intention of letting us brawl it out.

"Are there any particular incidents that caused you to call this meeting?" I asked when it became evident that everyone was waiting for me to speak. It's not so unusual for this to happen--I am generally the voice of the percussion section.

"Well, certain parties have said that your partners have not been pulling their weight," Ms. Shulte said, skirting my question. "And others have said that you haven't been allowing them to. Pull their weight."

I--quite nobly, I think--resisted my immediate urge to say, cordially, "Fuck you," and leave the meeting.

At this point, my teacher jumped between me and Ms. Shulte--literally--and began telling long pointless tales of his time in the Youth Orchestra and how he liked it and how his percussion buddies were like family to him. While this was not precisely the defense I would've liked, it did prevent me from saying something hurtful.

When the meeting broke up ten or fifteen minutes later, I nodded to each of the other people in the room, pointedly making eye contact with Ms. Shulte, and walked to the building's exit without stalking. It was an accomplishment. I told Mom the story as we drove home.

"I wouldn't blame you if you didn't play in the concert this Sunday," she said. I agree that in the way of symbolic gestures, quitting before this Sunday would take the absolute top prize. But I'm playing the premiere of a piece by a new composer and would feel horrible letting her down--she had nothing to do with any of this. So I'm playing this Sunday, but that will be my last concert.

And despite the fact that I've made a rational decision, and one that I'm not going to regret...

It hurts.

Comments

[teaghlach.livejournal.com]

*massive hugs* I understand how you feel. Music is like this silent lover that slips stealthily into your soul and makes itself at home on the bed of your heart.

I did band from 5th grade straight through to 10th. Not 10 years like you. Only maybe 6 I think. I was 10 when I started and 16 when I quit.

Why did I quit? My instructor was a man very enamored of himself but VERY skilled at what he did. We were a great band because of him.

And boy, did I love music. During my time in band I played baritone sax, tenor sax, alto sax, trumpet, euphonium, and even a stint with a trombone. If I could get an instrument in my hands I played it. I was good too. Damned good. I sat first chair every year. Even the year I taught myself to play euphonium, I stole first chair from the senior. Every minute was one I enjoyed.

Naturally, there arose a conflict and it came down to me looking my professor in the eye and telling him I wouldn't be back the following year.

It was like losing a part of me, a limb or something. To this day, there's still a little pang when I think about walking away from it. I did marching band, concert band, symphonic band and jazz band (sometimes all four in one year, pulling double duties each semester).

I don't know if that story helps at all but I wanted you to know that I think you're doing the right thing. You want to get out before the situation makes you hate music. Music is pure and good and being around people that make the experience bad is only going to taint it for you.

*hugs again* Buy lots of orchestral CDs and you'll get through it.

[xaara.livejournal.com]

The story does help--a lot, in fact. I mean, I know other people care as much as I do about this sort of thing, but now I know other people (or you, at least :P) care as much as I do.

Thanks for your support. *hugs back*

[lady-of-winter.livejournal.com]

...I think, that had I been in your place, I might not have handled it so calmly. I'm attached to my Youth Orchestra as well. ._.

Props to you, and I'm sorry also.

[xaara.livejournal.com]

It was actually the closest I've ever come to cursing openly at an adult. And I really didn't want to walk away calmly, but it was the only path that afforded me some measure of dignity.

Thanks for your kind words. *hugs*

[lady-of-winter.livejournal.com]

Dignity intact, some measure of damage done- eh, all's well that ends mostly okay? ^^;

*hugs back*

[dancinggoldfish.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that, Carmen. I recently quit soccer (twice) this year, and it had been something that I'd been doing since I was eight. I loved it so much, and played it year round, but this year I made the decision to quit. I had been feeling rather upset because of some conflicts on my team- due to lack of commitment- and I had really wanted to move up to Varsity this year. It was highly emotional for me- definitely nowhere near as calm as the way you were- but I gradually realized that it was still a part of who I had been, and I had a chance to do something else that I really loved (I decided to switch over theatre, and did the musicale Footloose that fall.) And after that show ended, I quit the other soccer team I played on, due to stresses of being a junior in high school, and the fact that I had truly loved theatre, and wanted to focus more on that (and my writing) than play soccer.

So basically the point of that entire rambling was that I understand where you are coming from. I hope that everything works out happily in the end.

And this is completely random, and I'm probably very wrong, but is lady_of_winter Saber-of-Light from JCF?

[lady-of-winter.livejournal.com]

...oh noes! I hath been discovered!!!!one!!11

Um, actually, yes. Hello, Anya. Long time no see. :P

[dancinggoldfish.livejournal.com]

Very long time no see ;p

*friends*

And I wasn't wrong! *happy dance*

[xaara.livejournal.com]

Well, it's good to hear you've found something you love as much (or more than) you loved soccer. I'm exploring a bunch of writing workshops and other activities now that my Saturdays are free, and there's really a lot out there.

Thanks for the story--as I told Lyn, it really does help to hear what other people have gone through.

And I see lady_of_winter has beaten me to telling you that yes, she is indeed Saber-of-Light. ;)

[dancinggoldfish.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. It helped for me as well when I was making the change. There's a ton of fun stuff out there that you might be already interested in, and then you find other stuff you had no idea you liked. ;p

Apparently so :D